“How are you alive?”

That is one of those questions that, even in the drab, dulled-tosurprise world of chronic depression, I couldn’t ignore had been asked of me. This was not a Victor Frankl-esque question from a therapist trying to challenge me to find the meaning in my life.

Nope, this was a genuine question from the heart of a learned man, a PhD, MD, and world-recognized expert in mental health, trying genuinely to understand my test results in front of him. He would quickly retract the statement as an expression error, a mind grappling with the inability to fathom how someone had spent fifty-six years on the planet in this state.

Though it may have been a rhetorical question, or at least one he never intended to ask, since he never expected to hear an answer, I answered anyway, and this is why I am sharing it with you now.

From around the age of nine, every morning of my adult life, I woke up with a feeling of heartbreak. You know that moment where you get dumped, or you tell someone you no longer love them? At that exact moment, the words came out, and the reality and weight set in; that was how I awakened every day, and that feeling carried me through until I passed out at night.

At the same time, people complained that I was a terrible listener and had no attention span. What I could not tell them or explain sufficiently was the reason I was not listening well: It was not that I didn’t want to hear them, but that I couldn’t, because the voice in my head was yelling the most vile shit you can imagine, nonstop, on endless looping scream at volume eleven.

Yet, despite this, I am writing to reach out to you now.

Feeling as horrible as I did, with the hateful words reverberating in my ears, I played and sometimes starred in sports, graduated high school, college, grad school, got certifications ranging from public speaking to digital marketing, worked for some of the biggest corporations in the world, got tons of promotions, was number one at sales several times, and ran multiple businesses that made million upon millions of dollars. I dated wonderful people, married a goddess, and helped raise a spectacular daughter. I have helped people every chance I got, transformed others’ lives, and helped ninety-one people who worked for or were trained by me get promoted to executive-level positions. I ran a marathon, wrote books, and traveled the world. I did all that and more, despite my depression, and I am still standing.

Stop right now!

If you’re anything like many of us who suffer from depression, you are reading these first few lines and trying to figure out why this book won’t work for you. You are looking for what will make you different. Maybe you haven’t said or felt the above things exactly, so you think you are terminally unique.

Stop judging your way out of here. If you picked up this book, part of you knows the answer is in here, and your depression is frantically searching for a way to have you put it down.

you don’t leave. Let me show you how I found my solution and how you can do the same.

Now back to my story. At the same time, I accomplished all of the above, but I failed in every sport I tried, multiple times, letting down not only myself but also my teammates and coaches. I cheated in school, often when I didn’t need to, as a way to assure myself that I could never look proudly at any academic accomplishment. I was fired from nearly every job I held. As Abraham Lincoln said (or the internet says he did, while not a shred of truth backs it up, but who gives a crap? For our purposes, because it’s true no matter who said it), “We are what we think about most of the time.” In my mind, I was a loser, so I worked triple overtime to destroy any success I created, often bewildering those around me. I may have dated incredible people, but if you talked to them, you’d find they had hardly a happy memory of our time together; they probably had a treasure trove filled with tainted ones.

I did run a marathon. I completed 26.2 grueling miles, carrying a weight nearly one-third more than that of any other runner, a feat none of my training partners could achieve. Yet, as I finally crossed the finish line, my depression ensured a profound emptiness; I felt absolutely nothing. I’ve ruined friendships, hung on to friendships out of desperation, insulted thousands, raged at customer service people, and belittled every religion I ever studied.

I did all that and more, despite my depression, and I am still standing.

Why I’m Writing This Book (and Who It’s For)

So why am I writing this book?

Do I want you to be like me?

• To tell you how amazing I am to overcome all that I have?
• Maybe it’s to confess all my sins so you feel better about yourself?
• Is it a self-improvement book that tells you how you can grow and succeed, just like me?

Hell no! The truth is, I am not writing this book for you, UNLESS… Unless you are that one person I promised myself I would help back when I was in the depths of my depression.

While I couldn’t get up from down, I was always amazed at my capacity to feel, do, and think even worse. When I reached rock bottom, I swore that if I ever found a way out, I’d come back for you. I don’t want you wasting one more minute in despair.

I created this book to stand by you as a friend and guide you through surviving your remaining days of depression. Then I want to be right there with you as you figure out what gets you out. And once you’re out, I’ve got a few tips to help you keep moving.

I came to my answer so late in life, so sure, there is a lot I can still accomplish and will. The thing is that I have decades of brutal activity to undo; that’s a lot. I want you to face fewer challenges and live many more years as a person capable of experiencing both laughter and tears in equal measure.

It will take some faith to believe that there is a way out for you.

THERE IS!

However, it will also take some effort to survive until then, and even more to make the most of the opportunity to live your best life after you are out.

This book is for you if you are ready to live.

You’ve made it this far, and that means the hardest part is already behind you. You started! From here, there’s no right or wrong way to move forward. You can underline, skip around, reread, or toss this book across the room and come back when you’re ready. It’s all yours.

What matters most is that you stay here with me, with yourself, long enough to see what happens when you refuse to give up.

I wish I could map this out in ten easy steps, the six guiding principles, or some other snappy marketable set of guideposts, but I’m not even sure where to start.

This book is divided into four parts:

1. Down: daily life while depressed, learning to move and breathe through the noise.
2. Surviving: practical steps and things to consider while you are searching for your solution.
3. The Path Up: discovering the answer that works for you.
4. Up from Down: building a life that feels like it actually belongs to you.

Start anywhere; you’ll find something that fits where you are.

A confession: I wrote this book three times.

Once, while I was still drowning in depression. Once, when I knew I was free. And this version, the one you’re holding, after I learned the truth, needed both voices. This version holds both pain and hope. Sometimes I’ll call out my own bullshit; sometimes I’ll let it stand as proof of the climb. You’ll hear echoes of each throughout. I’ll try to point out my own crap where it still surfaces to stand as proof of the climb.

That’s why this isn’t just my book. It’s ours.

* polite society or academic scholarship, particularly when words are written for Professor Gradingshit. But I am not writing to get an A paper or to speak to people who are doing just fine. I’m writing to call out the thing inside you that tries to seal off all the light. I am not here to placate the delicate sensitivity of the masses. I am here to help you save your ass! If you see a word you don’t like, substitute another word, and move the F along!